Vacation Bible School

This always happens.  I publish my “overshare for the week” list and then I get bombarded with completely inappropriate or totally awesome (do the two have to be mutually exclusive?  I think not, SIR!) phrases, moments, diatribes, and audible bodily noises, all of which could have easily beaten the best of the best of the week.

Take for instance, today.  After trying for a few days to carve out a little chunk of face time with my boss to go over some of our less-glamorous cases, I manage to score the last 30 minutes of the last day of the week for some much-needed attention with the less tended-to morsels from our workload.  So I haul my 45 pounds of files (oh, you think I’m kidding???  and I bet you think my arms are all huge like they are because all that mac n’ cheese just goes straight to my gunz???  WRONG, BITCHES.  I’M LIKE AN INTEROFFICE FILE-TOTIN’ PACIFIST RAMBO. Righty over here, that’s Desmond Tutu.  And lefty?  That’s Harry Connick Jr.) into his office and settle in for a blitzkrieg review-and-tell-me-what-to-do session.  His office is almost always way too warm, either because he didn’t realize that the thermostat was set to 85 degrees all day or just because his office has been marinating in the afternoon sunlight for hours, and today was no exception, so I take off my “I don’t care if it doesn’t match, I’m cold” cardigan and prepare to learn things.

BUT OH!  Here comes another boss, stopping by the office to share his musings on whatever he wants because he does what he wants and “Can I come in?” “No, I’m really swamped” “GREAT!  So I need to run something by you…” is the name of his game.  He sweeps open the door like Kramer and, true to Kramer – and my Kramer-esque boss’s – form, his Obnoxious Tie of the Day is swaying as it exercises its right to Newtons First Law.  “Heeyyyyahhhh!  Wellllahhhh, just wanted to say have a nice weekend and – HEY!  I SEE WHY YOU KEEP THIS OFFICE SO WARM!  Hehehoho… just trying to get the paralegals to take their clothes off!!  Hehehehe, YEAH!  GREAT IDEA!!!! WAAHAHAHahahaha!”

At this, my boss firmly plants his forehead onto the edge of his desk and massages his jaw and just says “C’mon, man…  You can’t say stuff like that.”  I say to Boss Kramer “Wow.  That’s really inappropriate.  I can’t believe you just said that.”  And he ACTUALLY responds “Well, I’m an old man.  I can pretty much say whatever I want!!  Hahahaha!”  My co-worker, who is the last remaining person in the office that ISN’T in my boss’s office, can hear all of this and is laughing very nervously in between exclamations of “OH MY GOD!  WHAT??”  So, of course, because what the fuck ELSE am I supposed to do, I start singing…

OUR GODDDDD IS AN AWESOME GOD HE REEEEEEIGNS FROM HEAVEN ABOVE!!!

I mean, really.  I had no other options.  And so, I give you a music video.

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4 responses to “Vacation Bible School

  1. i would sing this to myself, often, as i found myself either dodging mortar attacks in the trenches of the Victoria’s Secret stockroom or firmly locked in a fitting room with a middle-aged frustrated prom queen from Suburbia chastising me because the bras she was trying on couldn’t, in fact, make her sagging, post-child breasts defy the laws of gravity.

    stay strong, sistah.

  2. dude, my god is about a bajillion times more awesomer. and i don’t have to close my eyes when i sing about him. i’m staring the camera RIGHT IN THE LENS. and i think this experience should make you think twice about the undergarments you wear to work. you’d hate to be caught in you lambchops play-a-long underwear by your boss. talk about embarassing.

  3. last half hour of the day usually works the best..nice cardigan

  4. I can witness that this happened. But it was actually must worse than related above. Because J started singing ‘…it;s getting HOT in here…’ This is the same attorney who when I ran back in the office to fetch my umbrella remarked ‘…but I thought you LIKED being wet?’
    Here”s another appropriate ditty ‘GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN, OVER THE HILLS AND EVERYWHERE, OH GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN THAT JC IS BORN!’

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