Dear sweet lord almighty. If you thought humping a pile of dirty laundry covered with a pillowcase with your cousin’s face on it was TMI, you are going to LOVE this.

Last night I had the esteemed pleasure of meeting up with Schmolly. (Name has been changed to protect the rad.) Schmolly is like an overshare MACHINE. It’s amazing. Here is just a sampling of the totally random and amazing shit that came out of her mouth:

“So I’m fucking a dude repeatedly now!”

“Oh wow!! That’s exciting!”

“Yeah! We’ve fucked, like, four times. Before that, I was fucking, like, four different dudes but only once, so this is pretty great.”

“That’s awesome! What’s the dude’s deal?”
“Well, he lives in Brooklyn but he’s a flight attendant – AND HE’S NOT GAY!”

“Wait, WHAT? You’re fucking a dude who lives in Brooklyn??? On the regular… like, this is a dude you have done multiple times… recently… but he doesn’t live here…”

“I know, right? It’s kind of crazy.”

“Yeah! What’s his name?”
“Delta Force. Can I just say I got my first rim job???”

Um… yes, Schmolly. For the purposes of my blog, you can say whatever you damn-well please. In fact, I hope you always will.


So we go on to talk about such topics as jumping on couches, bitches being dumb, sluts being hoes, and other significant conversational matters. Then, somehow we get back on the topic of Schmolly’s hump habits…

“…and the pillowcase has my cousin’s face on it! I mean, I feel kinda bad cuz she’s so cute!”

“Wait, what???? I thought it was a DUDE cousin!!!”

“OH NO!!! No way!!! But it’s funny… as soon as I started making that my regular thing, OF COURSE I told my cousin that I was getting off on her face. She thought it was funny! Now, whenever I finish, I text her ‘thanks for another great night’. Hahahaha… she thinks it’s hilarious.”

Thank God for Schmolly.

And thank god for Chuck Norris.



One response to “OFLN III

  1. It brings me a sweet pleasure to know there is a movie entitled Delta Force, which is only made sweeter by starring Chuck fucking Norris. If any one is capable of expunging this Earth of all that is unholy while being totally fucking sexy its Chuck.

    Your clever prose and obvious command of the English language are unparalleled with most all contemporary American writers. Maybe even the Russians too.

    As far as details of the story, I do believe I have heard the pillowcase is stuffed with laundry, mostly clean. And the text message that is sent to her said cousin is normally, “I just fucked your face”. Details.

    Finally, Schmolly, an exceedingly creative name, surely secures the utmost anonymity for muse (I am correct in assuming she’s your muse?). You should really consider a career in a pseudonyms or alias think tank. From what I understand they are always hiring.

    You are an angel.Blessings on all your future work.

    Puss Gi Na

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