There are people on strike outside of the New Seasons by my office. I always hate crossing picket lines, but I really needed some zinc! And, seeing as how it’s International Sandwich Day, I also needed to get out of there with enough time to get myself a sammie from one of my local spots which meant that good ol’ Freddies was a little too far away.
The strike seems to have significantly affected the intelligence level of at least the produce crew (with notable overflow in the deli and demo department). I was hemming and hawing about what kind of sammie I should get and from where and how it would taste with a lot of garlic, but then thinking that, either way, it never hurts to have more garlic so maybe I should just get some no matter what. Well, at New Seasons, I learned today that their garlic is priced by the pound. This is strange to me. I don’t buy garlic by the pound. I’m just one little lady alone in her grocery shopping world, and I think there’s something just infinitely delightful about just getting one of anything in the produce section because you’re only cooking for one. No really, I really think it’s incredibly romantic. Sort of like Amelie, but thankfully without the bionic sex hearing. I went ahead and assumed that by the pound was normal for the produce section, and went further to assume that the produce people were probably regularly asked by short and tall single ladies and genties how much one would expect to spend on one bulb of the New Seasons organic garlic. So I ask the produce person a question:
me: Hi, sorry to bother you, but would you happen to have just sort of a ballpark guess on how much one bulb of garlic would be? I don’t need a pound… I thought maybe you’d know how much they usually are…
produce person: Yeah! Well, they are $4.99 a pound, and one of them doesn’t weigh a whole pound, so you’d have to get a couple of them to be $4.99, but if you just are looking to get one, I’d say it’ll only be a couple cents. They ARE organic. So…
My brain exploded. From laughter. That I was containing inside my brain. I think that produce person should dress up in this garlic costume next year for Halloween. When they ask her what she is, I cannot WAIT to hear how intelligently she’s going to explain it. “Well, I’m part of the onion family but I guess that doesn’t really describe me very specifically, so I guess maybe you could also say I have some stems?” YOU’RE GARLIC, OKAY? JUST GARLIC.
Ha. International Fun Shop. AND HOW!
My time in the produce section was so informative that I decide it’s time to just eat that sammie already and I head to the checkout, zinc tablets in hand. I stop at the demo table where they’ve got a new hippie yogurt – it’s made from coconut or something. I dunno. There are five flavors: vanilla, strawberry, blueberry, plain, and huckleberry. And I wanted guidance from the demo person so that hopefully I wouldn’t get any “unhappy ending.”
Most people in Oregon already know this, but in case you are unaware – Hippie foods are dangerous. Hippie foods can look just like normal food but actually taste like hippies. And that is not a good thing. For example, Nancy’s Soy Yogurt does not taste like regular yogurt. It tastes like fucking shit. Honestly. I get how people can like things for what they are, but I am warning anyone who cares RIGHT NOW: If you are looking for a good non-dairy alternative to yogurt, do not turn to Nancy’s Soy Yogurt. YOU WILL CRY. IT IS NOT GOOD IF YOU WANT IT TO TASTE THE SAME AS YOGURT THAT COMES FROM COWS.
Once more – if looking for real yogurt taste without the dairy, eating this
will make you do this
Anyway, so I ask the demo guy “Which one would you recommend?”
Demo guy “Well, a lot of people really like the blueberry. But I’ve heard people say they really like the strawberry, and other people really like the vanilla. The plain will surprise you, and I’ve also heard good things about the huckleberry.”
Wow, man. Thanks for really narrowing it down for me. And furthermore, your personal convictions about the product have really got me salivating over here because I wanna feel as excited as you are about all this HIPPIE FOOD. So I ask him again “Great! But which one do YOU like?”
Demo guy “Well, I guess the blueberry. A lot of people like that one. It’s definitely the best seller.”
So I take the blueberry. Thankfully, it doesn’t taste like barf. But it doesn’t do anything new for me either. The ‘whelmed’ review of the flavors may have actually been spot on, and yet I can’t help but wish he’d at least hated one of the flavors. In any case, I will never try to avoid dairy, so I’m not going to start throwing down for hippie yogurt unless I KNOW it’s going to turn me into a unicorn.
Dear New Seasons,
I give up on you. Your prices are – and have always been – too damn high. And now, you seem to have stocked your stores with high-functioning but very glitch-plagued robots and it’s not really making me want to be around you much anymore.
Little Miss Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Dance Party 2009
Thank the sweet lord for Portland and all of its farmers markets. Here’s to good yogurt, good garlic, vanquishing viruses, and laughter inside your brain! And to never needing anything from New Seasons again.