In recognition of Christmas being tomorrow

Things to keep in mind as billions of people gear up to celebrate Christmas:

Christmas is about the day Jeebus was born.  Which means that Jeebus was a newborn once.  This means that Jeebus almost definitely saw – and put his mouth on – BOOBS in his lifetime, Mary Magdalen romance or not.  He probably put his grubbin’ paws on them boobs, too.  A LOT.  And you know, if mommy Mary was having a rough go of the breastfeeding thing, he might have even put his mouth and paws on even more boobies.  I only assume that wet nurses (or whatever name they were given back in Jeebus times) might have been more common for “bad breastfeeding babies” since I’ve never heard anything about powdered formula in ancient manuscripts.  To be fair, though, I’ve never really looked into it…

And if we are assuming that Jeebus got down with the boob, it is probably safe to assume that he wrecked Mary’s nipples.  I wonder if God was like “AND LET THERE BE BAG BALM” because God felt bad about what he’d just done to Mary, you know, giving her this bastard child and all, and not even sending the kid with so much as some decent “cracked nipple relief.”  I mean, maybe if all that stuff about Jeebus healing people and stuff was true, maybe he worked some magic on Mary as a big THANKS, MOM, FOR BEING MY MOM!  Like, maybe his gift to her was that he wasn’t a biter.  Or maybe he just popped out of the womb “getting” nursing and didn’t have to be taught how to do it. 

You know what else?  BABY JEEBUS CRAPPED HIS LITTLE BABY JEEBUS DIAPER.  And he probably spat up, too.  I wonder if Joseph was ever like “Man, this is fucking BULLSHIT.  THIS AIN’T EVEN MY KID!”  If – no, WHEN (because ALL babies do) – Jeebus got sick, I wouldn’t blame Joseph if he was all “Mary, yo baby, yo problem.”  But then again, if he pulled that shit too often, I’d frickin’ HOPE Mary would be all Lysistrata on him and be like “Oh yeah?  YOU WANT THIS POONANI?  THEN GET YER DAMN ASS UP, MAN, AND DEAL WITH THIS DAMN BABY!”

Ohhhhh to have been a fly on the wall in baby Jeebus’ house…

Anyhow, here’s a video.  It’s kinda funny.  Happy Thursday!

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2 responses to “In recognition of Christmas being tomorrow

  1. You make me laugh erry time girl!

  2. Holy moly Anna you had to make me laugh about baby Jeebus right now. Well, I have the perfect figurine of him, for you, which perfectly displays exactly what you’re talking about here. Imma leave it on your door step.

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