Has your house ever been invaded by a zombie monster cunt? No? Well MINE HAS. TWICE. Wait. No. THRICE! THIS WEEK, no less! Of course, this makes sense, as this week has been one of the worst in my entire life. I’m sort of hoping that everyone has these “worst weeks ever” and that getting this one out of the way now means a sure-fire NO BUMMER SUMMER. Anyway, if you ever have a zombie monster cunt invasion, I really can’t give you any tips. I locked myself in my room and hovered under the covers until it sounded like the bitch was gone. Don’t worry. I shook my fist at her. Or maybe my fist was just shaking… I dunno… fuckin’ zombies…
Last night, I met up with some superhomies. Man oh man, are superhomies awesome. No, seriously. They are los tittehs. You know why? Cuz superhomies do things like this for you without even batting one itty bitty eyelash!
Awwww… now isn’t that precious?? Yes, my superhomies are the pontoons to my life boat. But not just because they say sweet things when sweet things need being said. Sometimes superhomies just remind me that I am how I think I am – and they like it:
A. R-H: Oh hai ladies.
Us Ladies: HAIIIIIII.
A. R-H: Good god. I bet people sitting in the booths around here think they’re listening to a conversation between Muppets.
one of Us Ladies: Ha ha yeah, except for the part where we were talking about slugified sammies and maggot granola!! WAAHAHAHAHA!
A. R-H: Jesus! You ladies are ANIMALS! Up top! (high fives all around)
You had to be there, okay? But it was awesome. Now I gotta go buy a stupid fucking vacuum because the stupid fucking zombie monster cunt yoinked THAT treasure, and I gotta learn how to use someone else’s sewing machine STAT because the ZMC also stole ALL THE CURTAINS. WHO DOES THAT?!?!? Zombie monster cunts. That’s who.
Oh. And today in the Weekly, there is a picture of my homie and me. Of course, I am spooging salsa all over a burrito (I think some asshole told me I wasn’t serious when I said I liked spicy things. NEVER CHALLENGE ME TO A SPICY-OFF, OKAY? I MAY CRY AND I MAY SWEAT, BUT I WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE!) I vaguely recall a couple friends calling me an animal then, too. Maybe I really AM a unicorn! Oh, wouldn’t that just be the most amazing discovery ever??? No, I will not tell you which Weekly and I will not post the picture. But just know that there are shameful pictures of me doing messy things with food – while wearing a perfectly proper dress cuz I’m a LADY.