So people who know me well know that I often suffer from… difficulty going to sleep. I’ve never looked up the technical definition of insomnia (do I have the internet? UM, DUH. DIS MAH BLOG. PULL UP A CHAIR AND STAY A WHILE. does having internet mean I’m gonna google it? QUIZAS. I will google the shit outta some shit IF googling it is for my own learning. If it’s so that you can learn through me, then NO. I WILL NOT GOOGLE IT. If you feel the need to learn the technical definition of insomnia, google it. And on the way, please get off my ballz kthxiwasusingthose.) So, I’m sure if I ACTUALLY have insomnia. I have more… sleep ninjaism. YEP. Mark THAT with a B, kids, cuz it’s reeeeal. See, sleep is what I was always supposed to do when I was a kid. Seeing as I was extremely nerdy and too fascinated by bad behavior to try and pull it off (someday, I’ll tell you about the time the drug awareness kids came to school and then I promptly ran home and tried sniffing Elmer’s non-toxic glue for HOURS in the hopes of getting ‘high.’ Even without the story, I think it’s obvious why/how documentaries became my drug of choice), fighting sleep – as if doing so was somehow evidence of a superhuman power I possessed – became my mission and passion. Always – as evidenced by the fact that I’M NOT DEAD – sleep ultimately won. But I put up some gooooood fights.
Sometimes, people who are aware of my sleep ninjaism implore me “MASTER NINJA NON-GO-TO-SLEEPER, WHY??? HOW??? WHO IS ON FIRST???” and sometimes I have good answers. Like, “cuz I was too busy dancing.” Or… “cuz I got taken down the rabbit hole of BBC World News and now I can spell AND pronounce little-known (in the U.S. cuz we DUMMMM) world leaders – BOOM! YOU JEALOUS!” Other times, my reasons are lame. Like “because I had that stupid Lady Gaga song stuck in my head. I tried to eat enough mac n’ cheese to make it go away but now I’m just overfull AND mad AND I’M STILL AWAKE GARRRFGSGHUJSH.” See? LAME. But it’s happened before. True story*.
Tonight (and I reserve the right to edit this blog later because a. IT’S MINE and b. because I know as well as anyone that late-night writing may, for some, be a more creative time, but it’s rarely the most soundly edited.), I am awake and blogging because 1. my cat wouldn’t stop licking my arm and so I am in pain, and 2. I had an idea for the blog.
LADIES AND GENTIES, IMMA WRITE A BLOG EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH. Wow. It’s scarier to write that than it is to lay awake and laugh about it.
You might say “Bitch, you DUMB. It’s already damn-near halfway through MARCH! Wow. Thanks for the ol’ heads up on ‘Blog of the Day APRIL!.” But then that makes YOU the bitch. Because, see, here’s the thing: MY BLOG. MY RULES. 30 days. Starting now. I’m gonna do the best I can to blog every single day so that you ‘get to’ hear/read about how horribly snide and judgmental I am about most things, while attempting to maintain an open mind and while being inspired and loving life and all kinds of shit SPESHLEE IF IT HAS GLITTER BECAUSE OH MY GOSH I LOVE MYTHICAL BEASTS AND GLITTER! Really, though, as stupid as some things are, my friends keep having babies and when those babies aren’t being bad, I sure do love the shit outta them and loving life is sooooo easy. When the babies start getting all cry-ie and shit, that’s when you LEAVE and you go enjoy things like double rainbows and inside jokes.
Anyway, my only goal with the Month of Overshare is to walk away from MOO LIKE A BOSS. This is what “like a boss” looks like in case you need a visual. FYI.
S0. Here’s to my New Month wheneverisayitsthemonthbiatch Resolution. And to all you readers out there, keep on doing things that are actually important. This is just a blog. Honestly.
*It’s always important for you, dear reader, to know that I am absolutely TERRIBLE at lying. I mean, I know no worse liar in the world. Seriously. I blame “Fajitagate.” But that’s another story…