Category Archives: photo

photo

Other People’s Babies

I don’t wanna birth my own baby, but I’m not opposed to someday being a mom. However, at the moment, I have NO interest in being a mom, and yet still greatly enjoy screwing with my friends’ kids who are passing through major developmental milestones, as they are learning how to process all kinds of stuff and thus are SUPER easily and strangely entertained.

Take for instance one of my all-time FAVORITE babies, Monkey*. Here’s Monkey:

If you are thinking to yourself “my, that baby sure does look HAPPY!” you are CORRECT! He may be the happiest baby I’ve ever encountered. If you are thinking “does he have rib sauce on his face??” you are ALSO correct! Monkey LOVES ribs and gnawed on a few rib bonez during dinner (CHILL OUT, WHISTLE BLOWERS. AIN’T YO BABY, AIN’T YO RULEZ). But this happyhappyjoyjoy face is the direct result of the fact that he loves EVERYTHING that is in the world – and he’d just, I dunno… probably looked around and got excited about some lint. He’s a one-man all-discovery, all-the-time JOY MACHINE!!! If you’re thinking “Oh, so what you’re saying is that he’s a baby,” yeah. Yeah he is. But I can almost guarantee you that he is a “Top 1% Best Babies That Have Ever Lived” baby. [Seriously, if you say one mean thing to/about that baby and mean it, I will probably kill you. I love that baby.]

As he is a happy and curious baby, I must fuck with him and try to derail – I prefer “enrich” – his learning because I feel it is my calling in life (when I’m around babies. When I’m not around babies, my calling feels more like competitive eater.) So today, I taught Monkey a game called “put stuff on the baby and see what happens.” First up was a kleenex. Monkey pretty much KNOWS he hates kleenexes because they are STOP MOVING FOR A SECOND BABY WHILE I DON’T PUT A BOOB IN YOUR MOUTH OR OTHERWISE ADD FUN TO YOUR LIFE mechanisms. But I didn’t try to wipe Monkey’s nose, I put the kleenex on his head. Yep. Why? Because I wouldn’t FEED him a kleenex – that’d be CRAZY! You guys, IT BLEW HIS FUCKING BABY MIIIIIIND!!!! Which, of course, was awesome and hilarious for me because I got to sit there watching and listening to him laugh and squeal with delight, which makes me laugh – both with him and at him, like “baby, IT’S JUST A FUCKING KLEENEX!!! LOOK HOW EASY THIS IS!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!”

Sometimes when I hear people bitch about how much baby toys cost, I just want to call them out for being boring. Babies don’t CARE. They just want STUFF. They especially want whatever you don’t want them to have, so if the issue is that your baby “needs” expensive toys, perhaps it’d be best to start with the man in the mirror before you place that order on Amazon.

After the success of the kleenex experiment, I moved on to a salad bowl (OR IS IT A DRUM?? It’s whatever Monkey wants it to be, Captain Pigeonhole! DON’T CAGE THIS MONKEY!) The weight of the bowl made it a much less tenable chapeau alternative than the kleenex, but for Monkey, just knowing it could ALSO go on his head AS WELL AS being a drum made it a “double the fun” toy. Monkey was pleased and laughed gah gah gah all the way home. And by home, I mean to THE BOOB.

*Again, a nickname. I don’t have friends that would ACTUALLY name their kid “Monkey.” THAT’D be stupid.

two days… TWO DAYS!!!

Two days into my “blog a day for 30 days” pledge and I DIDN’T PUBLISH A BLOG! The only thing that’s stupid about this – other than the fact that I’m addressing my little flub it at ALL… I mean, I know there’s a lot of actually important shit happening in the world and I DEFINITELY am not blogging about that today – is that I could have literally published a blog that read “BLOG A DAY? HERE YA GO, YA RUMP ROASTS.” It’s literally just a matter of typing SOMETHING and then hitting ‘Publish.’ Yep. THAT’S how lame I am at this game. So I won’t even provide an excuse. It simply didn’t happen.

But I’m here now. I’m writing to say hello, that you’re pretty (but maybe up your flossing frequency, ‘kay?), and that this video of a slow loris absolutely BASKING in the glory of a wee-tiny umbrella will make you shit your MIND!!! Hey… if I don’t have anything to say, I might as well share videos that fill me with glee and delight. And which will perhaps also cause you to shit your mind. I DON’T KNOW, I CAN’T PREDICT THIS THINGS WITH 100% ACCURACY! But I’m pretty sure I’m on point with this one.

Hey, guys! I’m looking for a J-O-B! If you know of a good one – or really, just… ONE… tellllll mama. And have a most glorious day. Read the news. Do good things. Be better than you were yesterday. That’s what’s actually important. Silly blogs like mine are really just mental cherry tomatoes on your SO HILARIOUS I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S JUST SALAD of life! Really… salad is HILARIOUS, amirite???

women laughing while eating salad

Inception – part deux

For a while, I had myself thinking the “That’s what she said” meme couldn’t be topped.  Maybe it hasn’t been.  I’m not sure.  It’s late and I’m tired.  But, given those facts, I found this hilarious:

SPOCK OR SPOCK?

Iiiiiiiiiiit’s SURVEY TIME!!!

What is better?  This…

…or this?

Fisting beers

Overheard last night: “She got it when she woke up and she got it before I left. And she’s gonna get it one more time before she goes to bed. She’s cool.”

Then this happened.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my people are rad.

Making friends, getting presents

You know how sometimes you get lost in the internet, just clicking on one thing you like after another?  I am actually not referring to internet porn here, if you can even believe it! No, I’m speaking of image and video things.  It’s like when you go to youtube with an hour to spend and start your search by typing in “baby animals.”  YOU WILL BE THERE FOR TWO HOURS.  MINIMUM.  Unless you hate things that are adorable.  In which case you probably aren’t reading this blog at all so I can freely say without even an inkling of guilt: FUCK YOU, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS!  Who hates baby animals???

Well, last night, I got lost on the internet.  Blame Dmoe.  Or maybe I should say PRAISE Dmoe.  Because you know what?  It led me (eventually) to my new favorite tumblr of all time.  And you know what else?  I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT WAS BECAUSE WHEN YOU FIND YOUR FAVORITE THINGS, YOU NEED TO CARE FOR THEM AND GUARD THEM AND MAKE SURE THAT NOBODY ABUSES YOUR FAVORITES! But anyway, I told my new favorite tumblr that it was my new favorite and this morning, THIS was on the website as an inspiration from my love of the site!

FUCKING AMAZING, RIGHT????  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT!!!!!

I already decided last night that even though I’m the only human being on the planet who doesn’t like bacon, if some dude walked up to me and said “You are tiny and your lips are like little pieces of bacon,” (NAME THAT TUNE!) I would let him wife me.  Or let him put his mouth on my mouth, back and forth, just for a minute (just to see how it feels).  Well, I’ve also decided that if a boy I’d never met walked up to me and gave me something as awesome as this picture, I’d probably do the same.  ARE YOU SHITTING ME???  BABY WOLFIES??  A right as rain DOLPHIN ASTRONAUT????  FIRE-BREATHING HIPPO????  ughhhhhh. Somebody better take me to the zoo and STAT cuz this lady needs a baby animal fix BAD.

OH HECK YES

Do you know what day it is?

IT’S A-TEAM FRIDAY

a team

I was in the kitchen earlier dosing up (coffeeeeeeee.  nowwwwwwwwww.) and ran into This One Lady.  I would like it noted for the record that I am INCREDIBLY AWKWARD around strangers.  Especially adult strangers.  Especially adult strangers who seem to fancy themselves quite ‘hip’ because they love Sex In the City or whatever it is that Society At Large thinks is ‘hip.’

This One Lady always says something out loud.  Usually some random statement to sort of reassert her ‘hipness.’  Sometimes she says things that might warrant an “mmmhmmm” or a “yeah”, but in my super awkward experience, she rarely says anything engaging.  But today was a special treat.

TOL:  MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm.  Coffee.
me:  yeah.
TOL:  Are you really cold right now?
me:  nope.
TOL:  Yeah, they do keep it pretty hot upstairs.  You burning up?
me:  no, I’m just average temperature I guess… not really feeling extreme…uh… yeah…
TOL:  MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm.  Yeah.
me:  mmmhmmm.  (TOL walks away)

And that, my friends, is what it is like to work in an office.