Category Archives: stay young

Other People’s Babies

I don’t wanna birth my own baby, but I’m not opposed to someday being a mom. However, at the moment, I have NO interest in being a mom, and yet still greatly enjoy screwing with my friends’ kids who are passing through major developmental milestones, as they are learning how to process all kinds of stuff and thus are SUPER easily and strangely entertained.

Take for instance one of my all-time FAVORITE babies, Monkey*. Here’s Monkey:

If you are thinking to yourself “my, that baby sure does look HAPPY!” you are CORRECT! He may be the happiest baby I’ve ever encountered. If you are thinking “does he have rib sauce on his face??” you are ALSO correct! Monkey LOVES ribs and gnawed on a few rib bonez during dinner (CHILL OUT, WHISTLE BLOWERS. AIN’T YO BABY, AIN’T YO RULEZ). But this happyhappyjoyjoy face is the direct result of the fact that he loves EVERYTHING that is in the world – and he’d just, I dunno… probably looked around and got excited about some lint. He’s a one-man all-discovery, all-the-time JOY MACHINE!!! If you’re thinking “Oh, so what you’re saying is that he’s a baby,” yeah. Yeah he is. But I can almost guarantee you that he is a “Top 1% Best Babies That Have Ever Lived” baby. [Seriously, if you say one mean thing to/about that baby and mean it, I will probably kill you. I love that baby.]

As he is a happy and curious baby, I must fuck with him and try to derail – I prefer “enrich” – his learning because I feel it is my calling in life (when I’m around babies. When I’m not around babies, my calling feels more like competitive eater.) So today, I taught Monkey a game called “put stuff on the baby and see what happens.” First up was a kleenex. Monkey pretty much KNOWS he hates kleenexes because they are STOP MOVING FOR A SECOND BABY WHILE I DON’T PUT A BOOB IN YOUR MOUTH OR OTHERWISE ADD FUN TO YOUR LIFE mechanisms. But I didn’t try to wipe Monkey’s nose, I put the kleenex on his head. Yep. Why? Because I wouldn’t FEED him a kleenex – that’d be CRAZY! You guys, IT BLEW HIS FUCKING BABY MIIIIIIND!!!! Which, of course, was awesome and hilarious for me because I got to sit there watching and listening to him laugh and squeal with delight, which makes me laugh – both with him and at him, like “baby, IT’S JUST A FUCKING KLEENEX!!! LOOK HOW EASY THIS IS!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!”

Sometimes when I hear people bitch about how much baby toys cost, I just want to call them out for being boring. Babies don’t CARE. They just want STUFF. They especially want whatever you don’t want them to have, so if the issue is that your baby “needs” expensive toys, perhaps it’d be best to start with the man in the mirror before you place that order on Amazon.

After the success of the kleenex experiment, I moved on to a salad bowl (OR IS IT A DRUM?? It’s whatever Monkey wants it to be, Captain Pigeonhole! DON’T CAGE THIS MONKEY!) The weight of the bowl made it a much less tenable chapeau alternative than the kleenex, but for Monkey, just knowing it could ALSO go on his head AS WELL AS being a drum made it a “double the fun” toy. Monkey was pleased and laughed gah gah gah all the way home. And by home, I mean to THE BOOB.

*Again, a nickname. I don’t have friends that would ACTUALLY name their kid “Monkey.” THAT’D be stupid.

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new stuff, good stuff, stuff stuff

I’ve been working on some posts, but mama’s BUSY.  In the meantime, I really feel that nothing says “Friday” quite like a good ‘that’s what she said’ joke.  So.  You go ahead and GUESS what day it is.

Honestly, if Inception gave me any more of a cloner when I saw it, I think I’d be dead from lack of blood flow to the rest of my appendages.  I don’t care if there were holes.  I don’t care if it was eerily similar to a comic/graphic novel (I don’t think they’re the same thing, I just can’t remember which genre was accusing Nolan of the ripoff) that’s been out for decades.  I’m like that wacky bear/cat/camp kid/robot from the EVO vs. iPhone4 video.  I DON’T CARE.  INCEPTION GAVE MY MOVIE-LOVING SIDE WHAT IT MUST HAVE.  Which meant that I got a cloner.  WIN-WIN.

I can’t help mahself

It’s been a WHILE since I first saw this “Ads for Men” video [and wanted to sit next to Mark Little just so I could drool while looking into his eyes, wishing he’d make jokes just for me].  I still can’t stop laughing about it, though!  I mean, I have never seen ANYTHING karate kicking the statue of liberty in the tit!  I AM prepared to be SO FUCKING SHORN!  I think I want to be married and buried to this.*

*I don’t particularly care about getting married and I definitely don’t want to be buried.  I want to be impaled by a narwhal and hauled down to the bottom of the ocean for my farewell.  After all my usable parts have been harvested, of course.

Alien invasion

Has your house ever been invaded by a zombie monster cunt?  No?  Well MINE HAS.  TWICE.  Wait.  No.  THRICE!  THIS WEEK, no less!  Of course, this makes sense, as this week has been one of the worst in my entire life.  I’m sort of hoping that everyone has these “worst weeks ever” and that getting this one out of the way now means a sure-fire NO BUMMER SUMMER.  Anyway, if you ever have a zombie monster cunt invasion, I really can’t give you any tips.  I locked myself in my room and hovered under the covers until it sounded like the bitch was gone.  Don’t worry.  I shook my fist at her.  Or maybe my fist was just shaking… I dunno… fuckin’ zombies…

Anyway.

Last night, I met up with some superhomies.  Man oh man, are superhomies awesome.  No, seriously.  They are los tittehs.  You know why?  Cuz superhomies do things like this for you without even batting one itty bitty eyelash!

Awwww… now isn’t that precious??  Yes, my superhomies are the pontoons to my life boat.  But not just because they say sweet things when sweet things need being said.  Sometimes superhomies just remind me that I am how I think I am – and they like it:

A. R-H: Oh hai ladies.
Us Ladies: HAIIIIIII.
A. R-H: Good god.  I bet people sitting in the booths around here think they’re listening to a conversation between Muppets.
one of Us Ladies: Ha ha yeah, except for the part where we were talking about slugified sammies and maggot granola!!  WAAHAHAHAHA!
A. R-H: Jesus!  You ladies are ANIMALS!  Up top! (high fives all around)

You had to be there, okay?  But it was awesome.  Now I gotta go buy a stupid fucking vacuum because the stupid fucking zombie monster cunt yoinked THAT treasure, and I gotta learn how to use someone else’s sewing machine STAT because the ZMC also stole ALL THE CURTAINS.  WHO DOES THAT?!?!?  Zombie monster cunts.  That’s who.

Oh.  And today in the Weekly, there is a picture of my homie and me.  Of course, I am spooging salsa all over a burrito (I think some asshole told me I wasn’t serious when I said I liked spicy things.  NEVER CHALLENGE ME TO A SPICY-OFF, OKAY?  I MAY CRY AND I MAY SWEAT, BUT I WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE!)  I vaguely recall a couple friends calling me an animal then, too.  Maybe I really AM a unicorn!  Oh, wouldn’t that just be the most amazing discovery ever???  No, I will not tell you which Weekly and I will not post the picture.  But just know that there are shameful pictures of me doing messy things with food – while wearing a perfectly proper dress cuz I’m a LADY.

Making friends, getting presents

You know how sometimes you get lost in the internet, just clicking on one thing you like after another?  I am actually not referring to internet porn here, if you can even believe it! No, I’m speaking of image and video things.  It’s like when you go to youtube with an hour to spend and start your search by typing in “baby animals.”  YOU WILL BE THERE FOR TWO HOURS.  MINIMUM.  Unless you hate things that are adorable.  In which case you probably aren’t reading this blog at all so I can freely say without even an inkling of guilt: FUCK YOU, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS!  Who hates baby animals???

Well, last night, I got lost on the internet.  Blame Dmoe.  Or maybe I should say PRAISE Dmoe.  Because you know what?  It led me (eventually) to my new favorite tumblr of all time.  And you know what else?  I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT WAS BECAUSE WHEN YOU FIND YOUR FAVORITE THINGS, YOU NEED TO CARE FOR THEM AND GUARD THEM AND MAKE SURE THAT NOBODY ABUSES YOUR FAVORITES! But anyway, I told my new favorite tumblr that it was my new favorite and this morning, THIS was on the website as an inspiration from my love of the site!

FUCKING AMAZING, RIGHT????  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT!!!!!

I already decided last night that even though I’m the only human being on the planet who doesn’t like bacon, if some dude walked up to me and said “You are tiny and your lips are like little pieces of bacon,” (NAME THAT TUNE!) I would let him wife me.  Or let him put his mouth on my mouth, back and forth, just for a minute (just to see how it feels).  Well, I’ve also decided that if a boy I’d never met walked up to me and gave me something as awesome as this picture, I’d probably do the same.  ARE YOU SHITTING ME???  BABY WOLFIES??  A right as rain DOLPHIN ASTRONAUT????  FIRE-BREATHING HIPPO????  ughhhhhh. Somebody better take me to the zoo and STAT cuz this lady needs a baby animal fix BAD.

Simple pleasures for simple minds

Here… do this…

Go to YouTube.  Find an American Analog Set video to watch (you don’t have to actually watch it).  Now open up a bunch of other tabs in your browser window.  Eventually, that tab will read “YouTube – American Anal…”

SOMEBODY CALL AMBER LAMPS!!!